“So why do I talk about the benefits of failure? Because I stopped pretending to myself that I was anything other than I was, and began to direct all my energy into finishing the only work that mattered to me.”

This lovely ode to the benefits of failure was part of the 2008 Harvard University Commencement address delivered by J.K. Rowling, author of the Harry Potter series.

Most of us naturally think that it’s only our successes that lead to the good things in our lives, and that we’re best off forgetting our failures, or avoiding them altogether.

But when we try to see failure not as a definition of who we are, but as an inevitable part of engaging with life, we can become more comfortable with it. And getting friendly with failure can open us up to benefits — including self-knowledge, focus, persistence, courage, and resilience – that can directly help us create the lives we want to live.

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What’s the best advice your mom(s) or someone else’s mom ever gave you? I posed that question to Active Happiness readers on Facebook and got some wonderful responses. Here are just a few of them.

There are so many more great ones on facebook, so be sure to check them out. And please add your contributions — either over there or right here in comments.

Wishing a very happy Mother’s Day to you all.

Oh, and I can’t forget the most important thing of all — Thanks, Mom. I love you.

So here it is, courtesy of Active Happiness readers: the best advice our moms ever gave us:

Believe in Yourself

You can do anything you put your mind to.

Don’t worry about what you look like on the outside; focus on the inside.

Things eventually have a way of sorting themselves out if you believe in yourself and your abilities.

Be yourself.

Treat Others Well

Never judge others, because you don’t know their story.

Always look people in the eye and speak the truth.

Treat everyone with respect. You may never know who could be an angel in disguise.

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. 

Let Yourself Be Happy

There are going to be people who have a lot more than you…and people who have a lot less than you. Be happy with what you have.

You might as well think the best.

Look for something that makes you laugh every day.

And this too shall pass.

And Finally . . . Too Hard to Categorize, Too Good to Leave off the List

Buy pretty bras.

One of the best tools in my coaching tool box can be used effectively — and for free — by anyone with access to paper and a pencil. Here’s how.

I love being a coach. I get to work with clients who want to make positive changes, whether in their work, their relationships, their emotional or physical well-being, or other aspects of their lives.

It really matters to me that my clients get the greatest possible benefit from our work together, so I make sure to use approaches and techniques that are supported by substantial research. But not all of these proven techniques actually require a coach. In fact, one of the very best is accessible to just about anyone at any time.

I’m referring to an exercise developed and tested by Dr. Laura King, who has been doing breakthrough research about well-being for more than a decade.

Participants in Dr. King’s most famous study were given the following very simple instructions.

Think about your life in the future. Imagine that everything has gone as well as it possibly could. You have worked hard and succeeded at accomplishing all of your life goals. Think of this as the realization of all of your life dreams. Now, write about what you imagined.
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This week I was interviewed by a number of journalists who are writing articles about either my book or my career change from corporate executive to positive psychology coach. They asked some great questions that encouraged me to distill the lessons of the research into the briefest, clearest responses I could come up with.

Here are a few of their best questions, along with my responses.

Q: What is happiness?

My favorite definition comes from Dr. Tal Ben-Shahar, who describes happiness as the overall experience of pleasure and meaning. I like this definition because it makes clear the “both/and” nature of happiness. It’s about the overall experience (both in the moment and over the course of a life) of pleasure and meaning (that is, a life that is both enjoyable and purposeful).

Q: What makes us happy?

One of the best ways to answer this question is to study what very happy people have in common. It turns out that there are four things that very happy people do that make the difference, and we can all benefit by finding ways to do them in our own lives.

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Sometimes stress gets a bad rap. In reasonable doses, stress can enhance our performance, focus our attention on trouble spots, and motivate us to take worthwhile action.

But when we have too much of it without relief, stress can be unhealthy and counterproductive. So we all need to have some go-to techniques that we know we can rely on to relieve stress when it threatens to get the best of us.

Here are some of the techniques that studies have shown to be the most effective. Different things work for different people; what matters is that you find some techniques that are effective for you and remind yourself to use them when you need them.

Why not choose one or two and give them a try right now?
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How we interpret events doesn’t only affect how we feel; it affects what we do.
And that can make all the difference in the world.

Do you ever have to remind yourself to take your own advice?

I often lead workshops on topics such as managing anxiety, cultivating optimism, and developing strong relationships. It’s something I really enjoy doing. But until now, I’ve only offered those workshops to adults. Yesterday, I led a workshop for a group of tenth grade students.

While I usually look forward to my workshops, I noticed late in the week that I felt a little anxious about this one. What if the students weren’t interested in the material? What if they didn’t take the exercises to heart or participate in the discussions?

I began to wish I hadn’t agreed to offer it. The day before the workshop, I found myself thinking, “I’m so busy right now, I really don’t need this extra thing to worry about.”

Then it struck me – it’s a workshop about emotional well-being and anxiety management, for heaven’s sake. Time to pay attention to my own material! So that’s exactly what I did.

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